I have started another blog called Sanctuary of A Stay-At-Home Mama. I will no longer write anything here. Feel free to follow me there and join me on my adventure with parenthood🙂
My sister-in-law is studying medicine and loves everything about nutrition. When she knew that my baby’s weight is above the average and that she – according to the OB’s updated calculations – might be born before her due date, she warned me about my sugar intake.
She knows I LOVE sugar. Even though I take my tea and coffee sugar free, add honey to my chai latte, and use raw brown sugar when backing at home, I have no guilt whatsoever eating half a jar of Nutella in one session. Only candies and chocolate bars could ease up my nausea and the metallic taste in my mouth since the first month of my pregnancy.
After telling me, I decided to Google the issue. Here’s an article that I found, and now I am depressed and wish life had an Undo button:
I knew sugar was not good, but I didn’t care as long as it made me feel better. What was I thinking? I knew I’ll be selfish so why the heck did I get pregnant in the first place? It’s not fair for my baby.
I am 20 weeks and 3 days today. Three days ago we had an ultrasound appointment and found out the gender of my baby!
I know the picture doesn’t show much but it’s the only one I have now. She was moving a lot during the ultrasound.
This will sound awful, but I was disappointed that it’s a girl. For some reason I believe I would be a better mom for a boy than for a girl. Girls need so much more care and sensitivity that I’m not sure I have in me.
It’s probably too late to be asking this question now that I am 18 weeks pregnant. But I won’t lie, I ask myself this question every single day.
Why did I get pregnant?
Well, I am 28 years old. I had all the degrees I wanted to have. I lived my life and it was fun. I’ve been married for 2 years during which I was very much against the idea of having kids. But, my husband, whom I love more than anything else in this world, wants to have kids. He never pushed it, but I know that he wants it. So this year I thought that I should stop being selfish and give the man the only natural thing that should come after marriage.
So why in the world won’t I be ready to be a mother?
I have a zillion reasons, including:
- I hate kids. Ever since I was 10 years old I’ve been living around kids (first it was my 10 years-younger sister, and then my nephews and nieces) . One should think that that should have prepared me for motherhood, but no. I never knew how to deal with them. I never took care of them. I always tried to avoid them. I never played with them. I had my own world and wanted no distractions in it.
- I am ,obviously, selfish. Everything that I do and possess is precious to me. And I am aware that having kids means letting go of
somemost of the things I love. For example, my sleep. I honestly don’t know if I could do that willingly and lovingly. Maybe I will be forced to do it because, well, at least I am a responsible woman. I know that much. But would that make me hate my baby? That thought freaks me out! A mother should be selfless and loving no matter what! And I’m not sure I can be that kind of mother. After all, there are some women in this world who don’t mind getting rid of their babies! What guarantees that I wouldn’t be like those women?
- I am so in love with my husband. Why would that be an obstacle, you might ask? Because I am sick and selfish and I don’t want anyone else to share him with me. That’s why. For the past two years I kept thinking, if he loves me as much as I love him, then why in the world would he want kids in our life? I mean, I love him so much and he’s all I want! He is enough for me! He is my family now and I don’t need little creatures to be added to my family to make me happy! So why does he? Does that mean he doesn’t love me enough? Am I not enough for him? Does that mean that if we did have kids, he will love them more than he loves me? Will they be his life and I’ll just be “The wife”?
That last reason is what’s killing me from the inside. I know he loves me; it’s like he lives to make me happy. Yet those thoughts have invaded every cell of my brain and killed whatever sense that was there. It’s making me depressed. I get over it sometimes and convince myself that his love for his kids will be different, but these sick thoughts keep coming back even though ever since I got pregnant he keeps telling me that I’m the only baby he’s ever gonna have. Why his words are not enough for me, I have no idea.
Sometimes I think it’s because of my childhood. I’ve always been my daddy’s spoiled little girl and my mom hated it, and she spent no effort in hiding the fact that she hates how my dad loves me and does everything I want. We still joke about it sometimes. But still, that’s no excuse for me to feel the same. My husband is not my daddy; I am not my mommy.
So again, why the hell did I become pregnant if I constantly have those sick thoughts?
I guess I was stupid enough to try to be a normal human being. I thought that once it happens, I’m gonna love the baby that my husband and I made more than anything else in the world just like any other mom-to-be that I know. But that didn’t happen.
They told me that once the baby starts moving and kicking in your belly, you’ll fall in love with it.Well it is kicking alright and I feel disgusted every time it moves! I don’t like the feeling of something moving inside! It’s weird and it’s freaky! And I certainly don’t like the fact that my belly is going here and there because there’s a tiny creature inside that’s doing that!
Now they say that once the baby is born, you’ll fall in love all over again and you’ll forget everything in this world… That’s the only thing left that I can bet on.
I AM going to take very good care of this baby and try to raise him/her the best way I can because it is my responsibility. I just wish that I enjoy doing it. I want to do it because I love the baby, not because I have to.
Am I making sense? Do you think I need therapy? I realize that everything I said is wrong and sick, but this is me and I am having these thoughts and they are draining me and I had to share what I am currently feeling and what’s making me depressed. If you have anything that can help me feel any better, please do share. I am not enjoying those feelings whatsoever and I want them gone yesterday!
Yesterday was Saturday. And Saturdays are when my husband and I pamper ourselves with a lunch in a restaurant. So off we headed to my favorite mall and ordered lunch. After eating we started discussing the idea of saving. We agreed that we should start a savings account and then the following argument took place:
I told him about one of my work colleagues who’s planning to save around $15,000 just to buy a Rolex watch. I also told him that this girl is not rich or anything, and she has two kids.
While he condescended the girl’s plan, saying that she definitely has more important priorities and that she should save that money for her kids or something, I admired that she actually decided to “save” to buy something that she really wants.
I kept telling him that maybe she’s already saving for her kids, or just that her husband is taking care of his family’s financial needs, and that her salary is hers and she can do whatever the heck she wants with it! He did not agree. He thinks that as long as she wasn’t born rich and able to buy the watch without saving for it, then she shouldn’t care about buying such expensive accessories. He said that all of this shows that she’s a shallow girl and cares too much about what people think of her.
I gave him another example. I told him that I’m trying to save $2,000 to buy a badarse Wacom tablet that I won’t die if I never got it. So if you apply your logic on me, I probably shouldn’t save or even think of buying the tablet because right now I do have other priorities. He claimed that I don’t have kids now so I can save to buy that thing. I snapped and said “So you’re saying that once I have kids I wont be able to save for a more advanced tablet?” He said that’s not what he meant and that I can do that even when we have kids because “a tablet is essentially more useful than a watch.”
What do you think?
Do you believe that if you’re not born rich that you shouldn’t think of owning what you cannot instantly buy?
My stomach is so unstable. I’m feeling sick as long as I’m at work. My mom told me that I have to pack snacks and eat small meals every now and then, instead of 3 big meals. Well, I did that. I packed two healthy sandwiches with me today, ate one at 8:30 AM when I wasn’t feeling sick at all. An hour or so later I had hot chocolate. And now I feel so sick I wish I can throw up. Does that mean I have to eat? I don’t feel so hungry.
Maybe I should eat and see if the sickness would go away. Meh. If I keep doing that I’ll be gaining 5 Kilos by the end of the month.